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| 2004-08-29 | Mixed Signals | Rating: 65/100 based on 4 votes. | ||||||||||
| On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband. "Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex." "Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter." |
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| 2004-08-29 | The Genie | Rating: 47/100 based on 3 votes. | ||||||||||
| A husband and a wife are playing golf in a lot surrounded by million dollar houses. The husband says, "Be careful not to break a window, because it'll cost a fortune. Sure enough the wife broke a window. They walk up to the house. Since the door is open, they walk in. Inside they find broken glass, a golf ball, and a knocked over oil lamp. On the couch, there is a man, he says, "I am the all powerful genie. I shall grant you three wishes." "I want a million dollars each year," said the man. The wife says, "I want a house in each country." The genie says, "Granted. However, as the third wish you must let me make love to your wife." The man is grateful, so he agrees. After the genie and the wife make love, the genie asks, "How old is your husband?" She replies, "35." "35 and he still believes in genies?" |
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| 2004-08-28 | The Limerick | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| An Englishman visited America on business. The night before he was to return to London, his American hosts took him out to dinner. After the meal, they were relaxing with cigars and brandies, telling jokes. One of the Americans recited the following limerick: "There once was a young man named DePinna who took his girl friend to dinner. At a quarter to nine, they sat down to dine, and at half past ten it was in her!" "What, the dinner?" asked the Englishman. "No. DePinna!", replied the man. "Haw, haw! Jolly good!" chuckled the Englishman. "I must tell it to my chaps when I get back home." In due course, the Engishman was back in London at his club. "I say, chaps," he told his friends, "I heard this clever limerick in America. Let me see if I can remember it. Ah, yes! It goes like this, 'There once was a chap named Tupper who took his girl friend out to supper. At a quarter to nine, they sat down to dine, and at half past ten it was up her." "What, the supper?" his friends inquired. "Errr, no, it was some chap named DePinna!" |
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| 2004-08-27 | Contraceptive Problems | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| Dear Dr. Dover: I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless. After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning? A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant. A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again. Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disc but still got pregnant again. I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies. We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw. The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead. Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her. You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing. Yours sincerely, Bubba Brickhead |
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| 2004-08-27 | Where Do Babies Come From? | Rating: 63/100 based on 3 votes. | ||||||||||
| A little boy came home from school and asked his mother, "Mommy, is it true that babies come out of the same hole that the penis goes in? The mother, obviously shocked and more than a little embarrassed, reluctantly replied, "Yes dear, that's true". The little boy, now somewhat confused, asked, "Well, doesn't it knock your teeth out?" |
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| 2004-08-26 | Getting Old | Rating: 35/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis had died. Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old and forgetful, decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said "Mr.Smith, I thought you told me your penis had died." "It did" he said. "Today is the viewing." |
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| 2004-08-26 | Pleasing a Woman | Rating: 70/100 based on 3 votes. | ||||||||||
| A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." |
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| 2004-08-25 | Sex Contract | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| Sex Contract I, _______________________, hereby surrender all possibilities of friendship, commitment, marriage, guilt-trips and near-pregnancies in exchange for one (1) night of USDA approved fondling and fornication. I will not return to the scene of said activities, nor call, write or otherwise contact/harass or vex said co-signer of contract for a time of no less than thirty (30) days and nights after said activities have been fulfilled. I also surrender all rights to propagate rumors, misnomers and dirty looks in the cafeteria from myself and friends, and will treat said co-signer with all the respect due a stranger. I will say "hi" if we pass within ten (10) meters in a friendly, if not neutral, tone. I will also upon completion of herefore listed activities not leave underwear, earrings or other insignificant yet oh-so-valuable knick-knacks lying about or hidden somewhere in the co-signer's abode for the sole purpose of returning to said abode and breaking the no-contact agreement of this document. I furthermore state that I am of sound mind and desirable body, and will not call said co-signer by any other name than is his or her own, nor reminisce on some former slime-ball/great lover who wore the same cologne, roll-on, boxer shorts or robe. I will also pay one-half of all laundry fees as needed after prescribed activity. Signed, _____________________________________ Fornicator At Large |
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| 2004-08-25 | I Am Sperm! | Rating: 66/100 based on 5 votes. | ||||||||||
| The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor. "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?" The sperm nodded affirmatively. Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm!" The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil." |
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| 2004-08-24 | Which Sex Fakes Better? | Rating: 55/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| Sure, a woman can fake an orgasm . . . but it takes a man to fake a whole relationship. |
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