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| 2004-03-04 | Free Love | Rating: 55/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| A guy and several of his buddies used to frequent a certain restaurant. The food was always good, but the waitress always looked and sounded very sour. One evening, one of the friends was feeling rather good, and jokingly asked the waitress when she came to take their orders, "Ma'am, do you believe in free love?" The waitress huffed up and almost yelled at the man, "I certainly do not!" With a great big grin, the man asked, "Well, Darlin', what do you charge?" |
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| 2004-03-03 | The Complete Guide to Period Communication | Rating: 55/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| 1.The Direct Approach. Description: You just say it. Examples - 1. "I got my period today" (The simple version) 2. "I got my period today so we can't have sex tonight" (The "let there be no doubt" version) 3. "I got my period today so we can't have sex tonight. Deal." (The "one word and you're out" version) 4. "Honey, I'm bleeding" (The gross version) Benefits: Fast, simple, gets the message across. Amusing results can be achieved when the timing is right. Such as when you're in a public place or sat down eating dinner. More amusing results can be achieved when you're sat down eating dinner with his parents. The best results, of course, will be achieved when you're sat down eating dinner with his parents in a public place. Cautions: May freak out some men, if you're unsure about the nature of the relationship you're in but would rather not find out at this stage - go for an alternative approach. Sometimes best to keep till the last minute, like when he can't tell you to go home. Will give away the fact that you regard it as an issue (that is, if you regard it as an issue) Requirements: At least a little bit of courage and an open, well established relationship are advisable. 2.The Casual (or "by the way") Approach. Description: You talk about something else and then slip the line in when he's not expecting it. Examples - 1. "Oh, I got my period today" (the simple version) 2. "Oh look! we've almost run out of milk... Oh by the way, I got my period today" (The "obscure chain of thought version") 3. "Oh, yeah, and I got my period today too" (the "I am being direct but I didn't think it was that important" version) Benefits: Cunning, fast, fairly simple, gets the message across. Doesn't require as much courage as the direct approach.doesn't make you look like you're making s big issue out of it. Cautions: Still requires some sort of courage. When done badly may be taken as the direct approach only even more so cause you supposedly tried to be subtle about it. Requirements: A little bit of courage still, some manipulation skills and knowing to spot the difference between the right moment and the wrong moment. 3.The Humorous Approach Description: Turn it into a little joke. Examples - 1. You (in an excited tone of voice): "Guess what I got?" Him: "what? what?" You: "my period" 2. You: "There's good news and there's bad news. The good news is that you didn't get me pregnant." Him: "And the bad news?" You: "The way I find out" (The "may need some clarification for the stupid" version) Benefits: Endearing, amusing, makes the whole thing more relaxed and fun for both of you. Cautions: May not work if he doesn't have a sense of humour. May take a few more sentences to explain what you mean if he's not very bright. You need to come up with new jokes all the time unless he has a very short memory. Requirements: Both of you must have a sense of humour for this to work. 4.The Subtle Approach. Description: Instead of telling him, you give little hints that make him figure out for himself. Examples - 1. Spread alot of tampons around the house in obvious places. (The very subtle version) 2. Ask him if he's seen your pack of tampons. (The slightly less subtle version) 3. Send him to buy you more tampons (The even less subtle version) 4. Talk about the way you feel when you have your period till he asks (the possibly very long version) Benefits: Takes the load off you. Doesn't require courage. Useful for times when you want to get the message across without giving away your overall intentions (like when you're trying to play hard to get but your intention is to eventually get laid) Cautions: may take a long time and possibly not deliver the message at all. Requirements: The man must have a functioning brain with at least one clue in order for this method to work. 5. The "Let the bastard figure it out" Approach Description: You act out your PMS till he asks if you got your period. Then you get upset and act out your PMS some more for good measure. Examples - 1. Be grumpy and mean (the toned down version) 2. Throw something heavy at him (the not so toned down version) 3. Do something horrible to his favourite things, like burn his favourite pair of boxers or sell his CD collection (the fun version) Benefits: Fun, fairly direct and you don't have to raise the issue yourself, if it works. Cautions: When taken the wrong way, may lead to some relationship woes. If you follow example 2, may involve the police coming round. Requirements: A tolerant man is advisable if you care about whether or not he sticks around/survives. A first aid kit can sometimes help. 6.The "Periods can be fun!" Approach Description: When you tell him. try and soften the blow by talking about something fun you could do that you wouldn't do otherwise. Examples - 1. "I got my period today honey, we can finally go out and see what colour the sky is!" (the "wonderful new opportunities" version) 2. "I got my period today honey, we can explore out intelectual side tonight instead of just having sex like everybody else" (the "god I hope he falls for this psychology-fluff crap" version) 3. "I got my period today honey, we can go out and so something fun, we haven't been doing that recently, I'll pay"(the wimpy bribery version) Benefits: Delivers the message. when it works - it makes them feel happy and in touch with their feminine side or at least well fed for less cash. Cautions: Sometimes they don't fall for it. Lacks self respect. Requirements: The ability to talk shit and a nice loaded wallet are advisable. 7.The Sympathy Approach Description: Make him feel so sorry for your monthly suffering he won't have time to think of his minor inconvenience. Examples - 1. "Owwww cramps" (the pained version) 2. "Yuck blood" (the "I'm totally grossed out, your cue to tell me I'm beautiful" version) 3. "Don't mind me, I'll just sit here and hate myself and drown in blood and be in pain for a whole week" (The dreaded Jewish guilt trip version) Benefits: Fun, gets the message across very well, gets you sympathy when it works. Cautions: May be lost on the asshole bastard ones. Has to be done convincingly in order to work. Requirements: some skills in the fishing department are advisable. 8.The Sweet Surprise Approach Description: Don't tell him. Examples - 1. "Oh yeah. I got it today, forgot to tell you. Sorry about the mess." (the regretful version) 2. "Ok, I won't tell you it's blood. Happy now?" (the no regrets version) 3. "Haven't you ever seen a tampon before?" (the duuuuuuuuuuh approach) 4. "Naaah it's ok we don't have to have sex tonight, I'm tired too" (the lucky version) Benefits: you don't have to do anything and if you're lucky - he never finds out. Cautions: very risky, they normally do find out and sometimes they don't take it well. Requirements: A very laid back man and a good washing powder are advisable. |
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| 2004-03-03 | Unusual Question | Rating: 55/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| After several unsuccessful advances, the bachelor asked his alluring but standoffish date, "Do you shrink from making love?" "If I did," she sighed, "I’d be a midget." |
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| 2004-03-02 | Hard Up v. Down and Out | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| Q. What’s the difference between being hard up, and down and out? A. About two minutes. |
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| 2004-03-02 | Little Johnny Goes Hunting | Rating: 50/100 based on 3 votes. | ||||||||||
| Little Johnny was walking down the sidewalk one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair. The old man said, "Whatcha got there son?" Johnny said, "Got me some chicken wire." "Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire son?" asked the old man. "Gonna catch me some chickens!" said Johnny. "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" said the oldster. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the street. About a half hour later Johnny came back passing the old man's front porch . . . with 3 chickens entangled in the chicken wire! The old man was shocked and couldn't believe his eyes. About a half hour later, Johnny was again walking past the old man's porch. "Whatcha got now son?" "Got me some duct tape." "And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?" the old man asked. "Gonna catch me some ducks!" "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" said the old man. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking. About a half hour later, back comes Johnny with 3 ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief. About a half hour later, Johnny again was passing the porch. "Whatcha got now son?" asked the old man. Johnny said, "Got me some pussy willow." The old man said, "WAIT RIGHT THERE WHILE I GET MY SHOES!" |
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| 2004-03-01 | What's Your ____ Worth? | Rating: 23/100 based on 3 votes. | ||||||||||
| A man was in an accident and his willy was chopped off. He was rushed to the hospital where the doctor examined him, and after careful examination said, "We can replace it with a small size for $2,000, a medium size for $5,000, or an extra-large size for $10,000. I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife." When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring sadly at the floor. "We've decided," the man told him as he choked back tears. "My wife says she'd rather have a new kitchen." |
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| 2004-03-01 | Sunbathing With A Bird | Rating: 70/100 based on 3 votes. | ||||||||||
| A man is lying on an empty beach, subathing in the nude. He looks up to see a little girl approaching him. He looks frantically for something to cover himself with. He quickly grabs a magazine he was reading and puts it over himself. The little girl comes up and asks what is under the magazine. "A sleeping bird" the man says. "Don't disturb it". The girl leaves, and the man falls asleep shortly after. When he wakes up he is in a hospital with his crotch in extreme pain. The doctors ask him what happened to him. He tells them that he told a little girl it was a bird, and then went to sleep. The doctors sent police to the beach to find the girl. When they find her, they ask her what happened. She told them, "I got curious about the bird that the man hid. When I woke it up and began to play with it, it spit on me. So i broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and lit its nest on fire." |
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| 2004-02-29 | Old Lady | Rating: 47/100 based on 3 votes. | ||||||||||
| One day, a little old lady walked into a sex shop. The clerk couldn't help notice her, first, because she reminded him of his dear old grandmother, and second because she was twitching violently and trembling, as if she had some kind of nervous disorder. "Young m-m-m-man?" she stammered to the clerk, "Do you sell v-v-v-vibrators here?" "Yes ma'am, we do," he replied, a little embarrassed. "B-b-b-big fl-fl-fluorescent oh-oh-orange ones?" "Yes ma'am, we have some like that." "The t-t-type about s-s-s-sixteen inches l-l-l-l-long?" "Yes ma'am. We've got just about any size you'd want." "The k-k-kind that t-t-t-t-takes eight D-D-D Cell b-b-b-b-batteries?" "Yes ma'am we carry some like that." "Well, c-could you t-t-t-tell me how the f-f-fuck you turn it off?" |
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| 2004-02-29 | Comparing Lesbians and V.P.s | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| Q: If you put six lesbians and six V.P.s in a room what do you have? A: Twelve people that don't do "dick". |
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| 2004-02-29 | Saying No to Viagra | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?" Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not." "But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies. "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to." |
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