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| 2004-09-10 | Oldies Request | Rating: 63/100 based on 3 votes. | ||||||||||
| A woman calls the local radio station to request an old song. Unfortunately, she calls the number and gets a plumber by mistake. "Hello?" she asks. "Do you have 'Hot Lips on a Moonlit Night'?" He replies, "No, but I have hot nuts and an eight inch pipe." She asks, "Is that a record?" The man replie "Heck no but that's better than average." |
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| 2004-09-09 | Prostitute in a Wheelchair | Rating: 20/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| Q: What do you call a prostitute in a wheel chair? A: Park and Ride |
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| 2004-09-09 | Chinese 69 | Rating: 55/100 based on 4 votes. | ||||||||||
| Q: What do the Chinese call 69? A: Two Can Chew |
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| 2004-09-08 | I Need A Room | Rating: 34/100 based on 5 votes. | ||||||||||
| The couple stepped up to the desk clerk of one of the city's nicer hotels. "I'd like a room and a bath for my wife and myself," said the gentleman. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," said the clerk, "but the only room available doesn't have bathroom facilities." "Will that be all right with you, dear?" the gentleman asked the young lady at his side. "Sure, mister," she said. |
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| 2004-09-08 | Rock Me! | Rating: 68/100 based on 4 votes. | ||||||||||
| An old couple were relaxing in the sun at their retirement home. The old man said to the old lady, "I'll have sex with you in this rocking chair for five bucks. For ten, I'll do it in my room. Or ... for 20 dollars, I'll make wild passionate love to you in my bed near the open fire." The old lady reaches her purse, takes out a twenty dollar bill, and hands it to the old man. The old man says, "So its the wild passionate love in my bed next to the open fire?" The lady replies, "No, four times in the rocking chair." |
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| 2004-09-07 | Gladiator | Rating: 43/100 based on 4 votes. | ||||||||||
| Q: What do you call a guy who just perfomed oral sex with his girlfriend? A: Gladiator. |
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| 2004-09-07 | Which Condom to Choose? | Rating: 63/100 based on 4 votes. | ||||||||||
| Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of having to buy condoms, something I hadn`t had to do for better than twenty years. The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk for some help. He extoled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in the dark (assuming you can`t find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more. At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he recommended. He replied "The condom made of lamb's intestine has a more natural feel." I said, "Not to us city boys." |
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| 2004-09-06 | Protecting Guinevere | Rating: 68/100 based on 6 votes. | ||||||||||
| King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week. A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But Sir Galahad was speechless. |
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| 2004-09-06 | Bet I Can Get the Earthworm Back in its Hole | Rating: 60/100 based on 3 votes. | ||||||||||
| A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can`t. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspary, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma." |
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| 2004-09-05 | Sex with a Fighter Pilot | Rating: 82/100 based on 6 votes. | ||||||||||
| Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!" |
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