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| 2004-03-09 | Twisted or Straight? | Rating: 65/100 based on 6 votes. | ||||||||||
| Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Blimey," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before." "Like what?" Ted said. "All twisted like a pigs tail," Ed said. "Well what's yours like?" Ted said. "Well straight like normal," Ed said. "I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours," Ted said. Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Ted said. "Shaking off the excess drops," Ed said. "Like normal." "Shit," Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing. |
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| 2004-03-08 | Marrying Dragons | Rating: 74/100 based on 7 votes. | ||||||||||
| A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter. He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter. |
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| 2004-03-08 | 101 Things One Should Never Say During Sex | Rating: 15/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| 1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... 6. Try breathing through your nose. 7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone! 8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 10. But whipped cream makes me break out. 12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! 13. Can you please pass me the remote control? 14. Do you accept Visa? 15. Z ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! 18. So much for mouth-to-mouth. 19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? 20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... 21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 22. Do you get any premium movie channels? 23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! 24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! 25. Got any penicillin? 26. But I just brushed my teeth... 27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera! 28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 29. I want a baby! 30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! 31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? 32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... 33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 34. I think you have it on backwards. 35. When is this supposed to feel good? 36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! 37. You're good enough to do this for a living! 38. Is that blood on the headboard? 39. Did I remember to take my pill? 40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 41. I wish we got the Playboy channel... 42. That leak better be from the waterbed! 43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. 45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.. 47. No, really... I do this part better myself! 48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! 49. This would be more fun with a few more people.. 50. You're almost as good as my ex! 51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape? 52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? 53. You look younger than you feel. 54. Perhaps you're just out of practice. 55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! 56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. 57. Now I know why he/she dumped you... 58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? 59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. 60. What tampon? 61. Have you ever considered liposuction? 62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 63. What are you planning to make for breakfast? 64. I have a confession... 65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! 66. Are those real or am I just behind the times? 67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child? 68. Is that a hanging sculpture? 69. You'll still vote for me, won't you? 70. Did I mention my transsexual operation? 71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something! 72. Did you come yet, dear? 73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... 74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! 75. Does this count as a date? 76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! 77. Hic! I need another beer for this please. 78. I think biting is romantic- don't you? 79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?) 80. When would you like to meet my parents? 81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: .... Er... Yourself? 82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? 83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. 84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. 85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? 86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? 87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. 88. Sorry but I don't do toes! 89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! 90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! 91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... 92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer." 93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash! 94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! 95. Is this a sin, too? 96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! 97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? 98. Long kisses clog my sinuses... 99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... 100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"? 101. You mean you're NOT my blind date? |
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| 2004-03-07 | Cockeyed | Rating: 57/100 based on 6 votes. | ||||||||||
| A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant." "But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes." "Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed." |
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| 2004-03-06 | This Is Your Captain Speaking | Rating: 73/100 based on 4 votes. | ||||||||||
| A Boeing 747 was just coming in to land at New York when the co pilot asked the pilot, "Frank, what are you going to do when we get to the 'Big Apple'?" The pilot replied, "Well I'm gonna make love to Suzy our blonde stewardess and give her a night to remember. But before I even think about that I'm gonna take a real good shit!" Unfortunately, the pilot left the intercom on and this piece of information was relayed to the amused passengers and to the horrified Suzy who was at the back of the plane. As she rushed up the plane to tell her lover that the intercom was on, she tripped in her haste and fell flat on her face in the aisle. A little old lady in the adjoining seat looked down at the stewardess and said sympathetically, "Ain't no rush, honey, he's going for a shit first!" |
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| 2004-03-06 | Dogs v. People | Rating: 30/100 based on 4 votes. | ||||||||||
| A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one. "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw you every time!" |
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| 2004-03-05 | Nuns in the woods | Rating: 55/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| Two young nuns were sent from the convent to fetch the weeks supplies from the village. As they walked through the woods, a young man rushed out from behind a tree, stripped them, tied them up and had his wicked way with them before disappearing. As they struggled to free themselves the effect on the two girls was quite different. The first young nun, obviously shocked, cried 'Oh what do we tell the Mother Superior? We've lost our virginity and we havent even got the supplies yet. We'll be so late back!' The second young nun, shaking with excitement, replied 'We'll just have to be honest and tell her we were raped twice!' 'TWICE!!' screamed the first nun in horror. 'Well' said the second 'we're coming back the same way, aren't we?' |
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| 2004-03-05 | It's Spreading | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| Doc, I think my son has VD," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid." "Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him." "But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has." "Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the Doc. "Well," the man admitted, " I think my wife has it too." "Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!" |
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| 2004-03-04 | Faking It | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| "Did you fake it this time, darling?" the man asked after making love to his wife. "No, dear" she replied "This time I was really asleep." |
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| 2004-03-04 | Wear Something to Bed | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something." "Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl. Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?" "Not that I know of," she answered. "Why? "Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed." |
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