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| 2004-03-14 | 2 Years in Jail | Rating: 33/100 based on 4 votes. | ||||||||||
| Two old men meet on a street corner. The first old man said, "Where have you been for the last couple of months?" The 2nd old man replied, "I was in jail." The 1st old man asked, "You were in jail? Why were you in jail?" He replied, "Well, about two months ago I was standing on a corner, and this beautiful young woman rushes up with a policeman, points to me and says, 'He is the man officer, he is the one who attacked and raped me'." The 1st old man said, "What? And you let her get away with it?" 2nd old replied, "Well, I'll tell you, I felt so flattered, I admitted to it." |
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| 2004-03-13 | Torpedo Ahead | Rating: 10/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| During World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. The captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my penis against the table?" The crew burst out laughing. So, the navigator pulled his penis out and whammed it on the table. Just when his penis hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat, the captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator then told him the story. The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that penis of yours. The torpedo missed!" |
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| 2004-03-13 | Put Out or Get Out | Rating: 55/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| On a sunny summer afternoon, a truck driver and his pet parrot "Petey" are cruising cross country in their semi. Suddenly, the trucker spies a hot teenage girl along the roadside. He immediately pulls his truck to the side of the road. "Do you need a ride?" he asks. "Yeah" says the girl, climbing anxiously into the cab. As they're progressing down the highway, the trucker asks the girl if she'd like to get in the back and screw. "Hell no!" says the girl. "Well," says the truck driver as he pulls his truck to the side of the road, "No fuck, no ride." He abruptly kicks the girl out of his rig. A short while later, the driver spots another fine teenage girl along the roadside. Again he offers a ride, and again his offer is accepted graciously. After a while, the truck driver asks the girl if she'd like to get in the back and screw. "Not for my life!" says the girl. "Well," says the truckdriver, "No fuck, no ride." He pulls over and tells the girl to get out. Before long, the trucker spies a third teenage cutie along the roadside. He offers her a ride and she accepts. A few miles go by and the trucker decides to try his luck again. "Do you want to get in the back and screw?" he says. "Sure! Lets do it!" replies the girl. At this point, the trucker takes Petey and puts him in the trailer with his cargo. He then proceeds to make mad love to the minor in his cab. Upon finishing the deed, the girl says that she doesn't really need to go any farther. This is fine with the trucker, so he lets her out and continues down the road. Before long, he starts to get a really guilty conscience about what he did. "What if that girl reports me???" he thinks to himself. No sooner did that thought cross his mind when he noticed a police cruiser behind him with it's lights flashing and sirens blaring. "Oh great," the trucker thinks to himself, "maybe she did report me." "What's the problem officer?" says the truck driver to the policeman. "No problem really, other than the fact that you're losing your cargo out the back door... I just thought I'd let you know." "Oh shit!" says the truck driver upon realizing that he forgot to bring Petey back up front. The trucker and the cop walk around to the back of the trailer, and sure enough, there's Petey... throwing the frozen chicken cargo out of the back while cawing "No fuck, no ride!" |
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| 2004-03-12 | Research Findings - Sleep After Sex | Rating: 40/100 based on 3 votes. | ||||||||||
| Have you ever wonder about those accidents along side the road, where there appears to be no reason for them? It was once thought they were caused by people having sex and crashing just at the point of orgasim. Well, research has determined that it doesn't happen as they climax. The accident actually happens when the guy falls asleep at the wheel after sex. |
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| 2004-03-12 | The Lid | Rating: 10/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| An old man who wanted to get his young wife pregnant walks into the sperm bank to get his sperm tested. The doctor gives him a cup and sends him on his way. The next day, the man came back with the lid still on and nothing inside. The doctor asked what was wrong. The old man replied, "first I tried with my right hand, then my left, but nothing happened. Then, my wife tried with her right hand, then her left, then her mouth, but nothing happened. Then, my daughter tried it with her right hand, then her left, then her mouth, but we couldn't get the lid off! |
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| 2004-03-11 | Palm Sunday | Rating: 25/100 based on 4 votes. | ||||||||||
| Mother's Day is for mother's, Father's day is for father's, and Valentines Day is for Girlfriends, but what holiday is for single males? Palm Sunday. |
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| 2004-03-11 | Viagra-Dirt Devil | Rating: 10/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| What does Viagra and a Hoover Dirt Devil have in common? They both provide you with upright power in the palm of your hand. |
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| 2004-03-10 | Baby Pictures | Rating: 60/100 based on 5 votes. | ||||||||||
| The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". "Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one everytime. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh ...equipment ?". "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted !!" |
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| 2004-03-10 | Keeping Clean | Rating: 66/100 based on 5 votes. | ||||||||||
| A lesbian goes for her annual physical. After the ob/gyn completes the physical she says, "You can get dressed now, your test results will be back in a few days, but stop by my office and I'll review the exam I just gave you." When the patient gets to the office, the MD says, "Well, you seem to be in perfect health, I couldn't find a thing wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I'd like to compliment you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients, and I can't think of a one of them who keeps her genital area so clean and fresh." The patient says, "Well, there's a perfectly good reason for that, you see, I have a woman in three times a week." |
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| 2004-03-09 | Love on the Highway | Rating: 55/100 based on 8 votes. | ||||||||||
| TRUCK DRIVER A trucker was driving his fully-loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down the on them. He realized that they were not about to get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Furious, he got out of his cab and walked to the front of his truck. He looked down at the two, still on the road, and yelled, "What the heck is the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn ? You could have been killed!" The man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concered and said, "Look I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes. |
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