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| 2004-03-20 | What You Can Learn From a Driver's License. | Rating: 45/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| This little boy was out shopping with his grandmother, and he looked up and asked her, "How old are you, Grandma?" She said, "Oh, Johnnie, you must never ask a lady how old she is. That's not a very nice question for a little boy to ask a lady." "Well, how much you weigh, Grandma?" he persisted. "No, no, Johnnie, nice boys don't ask ladies how much they weigh." After a little pause, he looked up and he said, "Grandma, tell me then why you and Grandpa don't sleep together." "Now, Johnnie, that certainly is not something you should ask about," she reprimanded him. After a while, when the grandmother paid for a purchase with a check, the clerk asked for her driver's licence. The little boy had an opportunity to see it, and when they walked off, he pulled his grandmother's hand, and proudly acclaimed, "I know how old you are, Grandma; you're fifty-five years old." "How do you know that?" asked the grandmother. "I saw it on your driver's license." "Well, you must not tell anyone," she cautioned. "I know how much you weigh too - 175 pounds." "How do you know that," asked the grandmother. "I saw it on your driver's licence." "Okay, smarty pants. I ought to punish you for being so nosy, But you better not ever tell anybody how much I weigh." "I know why you and Grandpa don't sleep together too." "Well, there's no way you tell that from my driver's licence," she laughed. "Yes, I could too," he insisted. "Okay. How could you tell that from my driver's licence why Grandpa and I don't sleep together?" "Cause you got an 'F' in sex." |
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| 2004-03-19 | The Dress of Love | Rating: 35/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love." When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?" She responds, "This is the dress of love." "Well," he says to her, "go iron it." |
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| 2004-03-19 | Tough Questions for Heterosexuals | Rating: 55/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| 1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality? 2. When and how did you decide you were a heterosexual? 3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase that you may grow out of? 4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex? 5. Do you parents know you are straight? Do your friends and/or roomates know? 6. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet? 7. Why do heterosexuals put so much emphasis on sex? 8. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to introduce others to their lifestyle? 9. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it wise to expose children to heterosexual teachers? 10. Just what do men and women do in bed together? 11. Bearing in mind the current divorce rate, why are there so few stable relationships between heterosexuals? 12. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual? 13. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered aversion therapy? 14. Would you want your child to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they would face? |
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| 2004-03-18 | What's It Worth? | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| A young lady, having just returned from a great week-long vacation in South America, walked into the local bank and asked about exchanging currency. The teller said he would try to help her. After she plopped a huge wad of bills onto the counter, the teller then counted it, made a phone call, and returned to count out $27.18. The wide-eyed woman gasped. "You mean to tell me that's all I get for that mountain of bills?" "I'm afraid so Miss." replied the teller, "That's the current rate of exchange according to our foreign exchange section. "God!" she hissed, "and I gave that cheap S.O.B. breakfast, too!" |
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| 2004-03-17 | Crossing a Chicken and a Telephone Pole | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole A: A 30 foot cock who wants to reach out and touch someone. |
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| 2004-03-17 | Viagra and Ben Gay | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and said, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours." The guy says, "Gimme three boxes." The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay." The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?" The man says, "No, it's for my arms - the girls didn't show up." |
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| 2004-03-16 | Penis Van Lesbian | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "O.K. kid show me what you do." The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent. "Great kid! Just great!" says the agent. "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on TV." (This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?" The young man, proud and excited, exclaims, "Penis Van Lesbian." "Excuse me?" questions the agent. "My name is Penis Van Lesbian," again replies the young man. "Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian." Well, the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent. A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?" With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it." "Great kid, great! What's your new name?" "Dick Van Dyke." |
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| 2004-03-16 | Endurance | Rating: 55/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop." |
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| 2004-03-15 | An Unusual Wedding | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court." The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK." "Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick in her privates." The Judge instantly responded... "Wow.. that must have hurt!" Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!" |
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| 2004-03-15 | Tickle Me Elmo | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The Personal Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personal Manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personal Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personal Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sowing them between Elmo's legs. The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles." |
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