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| 2004-04-26 | Health Plans...HMO vs. PPO | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan." |
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| 2004-04-25 | Cross Check | Rating: 10/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| An Army chaplain, walking through a notorious section of town, saw a soldier exiting a known house of prostitution. The soldier paused on the sidewalk and gestured with his right hand in a manner familiar to the good Catholic chaplain. The chaplain promptly approached the errant soldier, saying, "I'm sorry to see a good Catholic lad like you, coming out of a place like that." "Well, padre, I'm not Catholic," answered the GI. "But I clearly saw you cross yourself as you came out of there." "No - but when I come out of a place like that, I always check four things: My spectacles, my testicles, my watch and my wallet." |
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| 2004-04-25 | Potential v. Reality | Rating: 70/100 based on 3 votes. | ||||||||||
| A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll show you the difference. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would." Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores." |
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| 2004-04-24 | Nuns Go Back To Earth | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want." The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and poof! she's gone. The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and poof! she's gone. The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No Sister, this says Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!" |
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| 2004-04-24 | Which Way To Heaven | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| One day, a sunday-school teacher asked her students what they thought going to heaven would be like. Little Suzy answered: "I think you go up head-first, because your head is where you think about God." Then little Joseph raised his hand and said: "I think you go up heart-first, because God lives in your heart." Then little Tommy says: "I think you go up feet-first!" The teacher asked him: "Why do you believe this, Tommy?" To which Tommy replied: "Because I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom and saw mommy sticking her feet into the air saying 'Oh God, I'm coming!' and if daddy hadn't been lying on top of her, she would have floated away for sure!" |
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| 2004-04-23 | Aliens and the Traffic Light | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| The spaceship crashed, but the two glowing Martians survived and set out to find a way home. They walked through the forests, through the fields, and finally came into the city. They stopped at an intersection and began to shake and moan at the mere sight of a green light. Suddenly, the light turned from green to yellow, and then to red. Turning to his traveling companion, one Martian said disgustedly, "Let's get out of here. If there's one thing I hate, it's a woman who's a tease." |
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| 2004-04-23 | Adam and Eve | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| Q: What did Adam say to Eve the first time he saw her? A: "Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets! |
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| 2004-04-22 | Groom with a Wooden Leg | Rating: 10/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage, as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. The wedding day came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride. Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, un-strapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. "Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!" |
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| 2004-04-22 | Doing the Dishes | Rating: 53/100 based on 3 votes. | ||||||||||
| A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner. "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape. "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline. The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word. "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes." |
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| 2004-04-21 | What is the Biggest Problem for an Athiest During Sex? | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist? A: No one to talk to during orgasm. |
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