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| 2004-05-30 | Rescued? | Rating: 10/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| A hunter is walking through the woods when he comes to a clearing. In the clearing, tied to a tree, is a beautiful woman, stark naked. "Oh, thank God!" she says. "Three men brought me here, tore my clothes off, tied me to this tree, had their way with me, then just LEFT me here! At last, I'm rescued!" "Lady," says the hunter, unbuckling his belt, "This just ain't your day..." |
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| 2004-05-30 | Polite in Bed | Rating: 28/100 based on 4 votes. | ||||||||||
| Charlie marries a virgin, and it's their wedding night. He's on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed and immediately begins groping her. She says, "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." So he sits up, folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better??" She replies,"Much!" To which he replies, "Okay. Now, will you please pass the pussy?" |
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| 2004-05-29 | Two Old Men | Rating: 30/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| One day two old men decided to go to a whore house, because they hadn't had sex in quite a while. They arrived at the house and the head mistress decided they wouldn't know the difference, so she put them in rooms with blow up dolls. After they were done, they met out front, and the first old man said, "What did you think about that? I think mine was dead." And the other replied, "I think mine was a witch." "Why?", asked the first man. "Because she farted and flew out the window." |
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| 2004-05-28 | Day at the Adult Store | Rating: 35/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| A white woman walks into a sex shop and approaches the counter. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." "How much for the black one?" "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" "$35." "How much for the white one?" "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" The salesman responded, "I did really well. I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!" |
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| 2004-05-28 | Penis Facts | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| * Penis Facts * Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200 Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000 Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons (53 Liters) Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons (132.5 liters) Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour ( 45 Kms per hour) Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour (40 Kms per hour) Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7 Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150 Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches ( 9 cm) Average length when erect: 5.1 inches ( 13 cm) Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch ( 1.6 cm) Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches (28 cm) Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60% Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54% Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41% Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 minutes to 2 weeks Average # of erections per day for a man: 11 Average # of erections during the night: 9 Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches ( 7.5-10 cm) Time it takes the sperm to travel the distance: 2.5 seconds Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie |
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| 2004-05-27 | Better than Pork | Rating: 45/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork . . . but have you really never even tasted it?" The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion." The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate . . . but . . ." The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice." The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while. Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" |
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| 2004-05-26 | Violent Erection | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| This guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it. After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he won't have to see her and he won't get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes. He figures what he'll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it. He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a sheer teddy. He kicks her in the face. |
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| 2004-05-26 | Three Southern Belles | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| Three southern belles are having there afternoon tea. They are discussing one of the ladies' recent trip to New York City. (In a southern accent) "Well" the lady said, "in New York, they have these men who kiss other men . . . they call them gay." The other ladies are beside themselves, but want to know more. "They also have these women," she continues, "who kiss other women . . . they call them lesbians." The other women again are in shock. "Tell us more," the women say. "Well, in New York...they have men who kiss women on their 'privates'." "And what do they call them?" The lady responds, "Well, when I caught my breath, I called him precious." |
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| 2004-05-25 | Top 20 Signs She is Getting Bored With Having Sex With You | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| 20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in." 19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass. 18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?" 17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire. 16. Only moans during commercial breaks. 15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay. 14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends. 13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York. 12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show. 11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead. 10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda." 9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance. 8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file. 7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too. 6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?" 5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating.... 4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along. 3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better. 2. She yells out her own name. 1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin. |
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| 2004-05-25 | Not What It Appears To Be | Rating: 10/100 based on 1 votes. | ||||||||||
| Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly. Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. "Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked. St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven." Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?" So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer. "I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff. "It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't." |
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