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| 2004-07-24 | Vaseline Survey | Rating: 43/100 based on 4 votes. | ||||||||||
| A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out." |
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| 2004-07-24 | The First Time | Rating: 10/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "What do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!" |
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| 2004-07-23 | What Would You Like? | Rating: 33/100 based on 4 votes. | ||||||||||
| A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter. He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam." She smiled pleasantly and asked "And what would you like?" The man said, "I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples lightly. As shock came over the woman's face, the man finished, "What I need is a new tie!" |
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| 2004-07-23 | Gift Watch | Rating: 28/100 based on 4 votes. | ||||||||||
| This little Italian boy and this little Jewish boy lived about a block apart in the neighborhood and basically grew up together. The Jewish boy was the son of a jeweler and the Italian boy was the son of a hitman. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday. For their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy gets a Rolex watch and the little Italian boy gets a .22 Baretta. The next day they are out on the street corner comparing their presents and neither is happy so they switch gifts with each other. The little Italian boy goes home to show his father and his father is NOT pleased! "What are you, nuts? Let me tell you something, you idiot! Some day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff. THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed with another man. What the heck ya gonna do??? Look at your watch and say, 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'" |
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| 2004-07-22 | Cinderella and Peter | Rating: 40/100 based on 3 votes. | ||||||||||
| Once upon a time there was a young girl named Cinderella. It was her one and only chance to go to the glamourous ball, but she was distraught - she was in her period and she didn't have a tampon! So she begged her Fairy Godmother to provide her with one, and the old woman agreed. "Be home by midnight or it will turn into a pumpkin!" she warned Cinderella as the young girl hopped into her carriage. The rest of the night, the Fairy Godmother stayed up worrying. Midnight came and went. The Fairy Godmother's eyes stayed glued to the clock. One, two, three o'clock in the morning passed and Cinderella was not home. Finally, at four o'clock, Cinderella bounced through the door of the house. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!?" her Fairy Godmother exploded. "Relax," Cinderella said, smiling brightly. "I met the greatest guy tonight! I spent all evening with him!" The Fairy Godmother was elated. "You met a man? What would his name by my child?" "His name," Cinderella replied dreamily, "is Peter, Peter, Pumpkin-Eater." |
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| 2004-07-22 | Condom Instructions | Rating: 23/100 based on 4 votes. | ||||||||||
| A population control program had been introduced to the island, but the doctors were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills. They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms. One of the men who came in had had eight children in eight years, and the doctor told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath. He explained that as long as he wore it his woman could not have another baby. About a month later, the wife came in and she was pregnant. The doctor got very angry. He called the man in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked the man why he hadn't worn the sheath. The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off." The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the heck his wife is pregnant again?" "He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to pee so badly that he cut the end off." |
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| 2004-07-21 | The Ostretrician's Wife | Rating: 10/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed woman, was making overtures to her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!" |
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| 2004-07-21 | The Nine Important Men in the Life of a Woman | Rating: 36/100 based on 5 votes. | ||||||||||
| 1. THE DOCTOR : because he says : "Take off your clothes" 2. THE DENTIST : because he says : "Open wide" 3. THE HAIRDRESSER : because he says : "Do you want it teased or blown" 4. THE MILKMAN : because he says : "Do you want it in the front or the back" 5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR : because he says : "Once it's in, you'll love it." 6. THE SHARE BROKER : because he says : "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again" 7. THE BANKER : because he says : "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest" 8. THE HUNTER: because he "Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots" 9. THE BELL ATLANTIC GUY : because he says : "Would you like it on the table or against the wall?" |
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| 2004-07-20 | Seven Things You Will Not Hear a Man Say | Rating: 23/100 based on 3 votes. | ||||||||||
| 1. I'd like to take you out on a date but your breasts are just too big. 2. Here honey, you use the remote for a while. 3. While I'm up, can I get you anything? 4. Sex isn't important. Sometimes, I just want to be held. 5. We never talk anymore. 6. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on. 7. I'm sick of blow jobs. How about if I just try to satisfy you for an hour? |
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| 2004-07-20 | Issues with Sex | Rating: 10/100 based on 2 votes. | ||||||||||
| A college student goes to the school therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, "How is your sex life?" "I have a lot of issues with sex," the student replies. "What kind of issues?" the therapist asks. "Oh, mostly Hustler, and Penthouse." |
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